As I have gotten older, I've wanted much more than what I was getting in return for the superficial investments. I wanted to know what extreme happiness and joy felt like. How triumph through great struggle and adversity felt. So I challenged myself. I opened up more and allowed myself to be vulnerable to others.
One thing that I never accounted for, or even thought about, is the fact that when you're vulnerable, you give those trusted the power to either build you up, or tear you down. Unfortunately, those not mature enough for that power, will almost always tear you down, to build themselves up higher.
I cannot honestly say that I was naive. I allowed myself to be put into that position time and time again, swearing that I would never let it happen again, but secretly hoping the next time would be different. Regardless of age and life experience, the same thing happened, each time adding a new layer of insecurity, hurt, and level to me becoming jaded.
I often struggled with the "why" and the "how could they"...but truth be told, each failure was a lesson. Well actually the same lesson, over and over and over again.
I decided that If I ever wanted to stop feeling the way I had been, I needed to change some things about me. That's right. Me. I was the only consistent thing in each of this situations, and, as much as I to admit it, we truly are what we attract.
For a long time, I attracted arrogant, fake, and very insecure people. From friendships to relationships, I was choosing to be around people who shared these problems with me. Of course, looking back it is all so clear, but even living through the experience, these issues were really just a magnifying glass to those issues I held deep within me.
I mentioned I was very good at things with relative ease growing up. This lead to a sense of arrogance that led me to feel like I knew it all, even when I really did not. I cannot even count the number of times when I would get into a battle of whits about things I had no actual clue about. My confidence/arrogance still made it so I would argue a point as if I actually knew what I was talking about. I have since learned it is ok not to know it all and for someone else to better than I am. Unfortunately, that came in the form of graduate school, where it seems that everyone is better at things than you. I initially lost all my confidence, and at times, I really struggle with believing that I am good at anything at all, but it does act as motivation. I hate feeling like I am not good at something. I will not stop until I can do it proficiently and therefore have been grateful for knowing success at an early age, as well as seeing failures. It keeps me balanced and humble, but pushes me to constantly become better.
The fact that I constantly attracted fake people was so mind boggling to me, because I consider myself to be an open book. The truth is, I am probably one of the most guarded people you will ever meet. I don't talk about a lot or really share whats going on with too many people. The few people I do talk don't really know everything. I always feel like my problems are just a burden, and I hate for people to know how much I don't have it all together. I'm not a very happy person, despite always being goofy,making jokes, and trying to find positives in the negatives for others. The fact is I am a very serious and thoughtful person, who struggles to do things that seem to be so easy for others. People tell me that I make things look easy and am just so likable, but the truth is I work for hours to be competent and dumb myself down to be able to socialize with my peers. Despite being friendly to everyone and willing to hang out, the truth is i was, and still sometimes am, a fake person. I just don't think I could ever really be myself to everyone. What has helped is the fact that I have found a handful of genuine people that I can be myself around. They keep me sane. They really help to balance me out. For that I am thankful, though I still have to get used to being open with even them.
The idea of insecurity seems almost silly to talk about and I could tell my friends that I'm insecure and they would tell me I'm being dramatic but it is true. Part of it is due to allowing other's insecurities to become my own. I have been in relationships where I my counterpart has flat out told me they were jealous of me. Yes, me! I will never understand that because at those times I was broke and alone. The only thing I had going for me was the fact that I would not give up on my goals and had some good luck come my way occasionally. Because of that, I have had a friend sabotage another one of my friendships and as soon as I messed up, she made it her purpose to spread that word to others of how badly I messed up. It has really damaged some friendships but the people who don't like me now, were just looking for a reason to not like me and those who do like me, tend to be the people who are real. Despite some of the embarrassment I suffered, it saved me from wasting my time getting to know people who weren't going to be around in the long run.
In my romantic relationships, I have seen my insecurities as I have settled. Don't get me wrong, they all seemed nice and could act very sweet, but as I got to know them, they were very unhappy and selfish people. Everything was great when it was all about them, but the second I needed them, the relationship was too much and they needed someone else to make them happy. I would be completely lying if I did not say I was destroyed every time these boys made this realization. Especially as I had ignored every sign that we should not be together, and poured everything I could into them to make the relationship work. As I gave more and more, and they took more and more, I really did begin to lose pieces of myself in them. Those pieces of hope I had for them, turned in to despair for myself. My happiness often turned to sadness, and my peace of mind was given to them and I was left with uneasiness. Their problems and insecurities became mine, and then they left without warning or notice, but always made the problem to be with me. I have since then learned that the real issue was within themselves, but the side effects of being wrongfully connected to someone are as bad as if I had done the wrong.
But long before I had ever met any of these people, the problem was inside of me. Insecurity. I worked hard to do well in sports, music, and academics because I thought those things would make people like me, but it only made them competitive with me. Even though I was happy for others success, they always celebrated anything that I did that was less than successful. I had to learn to be my own cheerleader and team. Things are just easier that way.
My appearance has always been a very difficult part of me to deal with. I have never felt beautiful or pretty a day in my life, and literally laugh if someone was to describe me that way. The way I dress, sneakers and sweats, often shows how I feel about myself. I try to cover up as much as possible and typically will go for what is more comfortable than something "sexy."I have never been comfortable with my appearance as I was often mistaken as a boy when I was younger, and never really got much attention from boys. Between being described as "the one with gap" and the "tall one," by most guys, it was easier to see guys as friends and never really worry about my appearance. I never even wore much more than jeans and a t shirt until 10th grade. I didn't actually put together real outfits until college. I mean towards the very end of my 6 year stint in undergrad. When most girls got interested in make up and fashion, the thoughts that literally went through my head were "it won't make me look any better, why bother?" The sad part is I literally still think that every time I attempt to go dress shopping or to buy some eyeliner or lipstick. Being told by your boyfriends that they want to date a "woman not one of their homeboys" does not make it any easier. No matter what I've done to cope, things just are hard to get over. I was heavy and lost 60lbs, I still had body image issues. Then the scars from basketball and my car wreck have left me so insecure I struggles to not wear Lon pants and jackets year round. Learning to love myself flaws and all will be the challenge of a lifetime.
At the end of the day, I could come up with many situations and examples that have led to the way that I am and how I feel about myself, but the fact is I will only feel that way as long as I hold onto the feelings associated with them. Letting go is so hard to sometimes, but I have realized that I have been like a caged bird for so long, and even now the that cage has been opened and I can come and go as I please, I sometimes still sit back, imprisoned by the thoughts in my mind. I have been struggling a lot lately with letting go, but it is long overdue.
I mentioned I was very good at things with relative ease growing up. This lead to a sense of arrogance that led me to feel like I knew it all, even when I really did not. I cannot even count the number of times when I would get into a battle of whits about things I had no actual clue about. My confidence/arrogance still made it so I would argue a point as if I actually knew what I was talking about. I have since learned it is ok not to know it all and for someone else to better than I am. Unfortunately, that came in the form of graduate school, where it seems that everyone is better at things than you. I initially lost all my confidence, and at times, I really struggle with believing that I am good at anything at all, but it does act as motivation. I hate feeling like I am not good at something. I will not stop until I can do it proficiently and therefore have been grateful for knowing success at an early age, as well as seeing failures. It keeps me balanced and humble, but pushes me to constantly become better.
The fact that I constantly attracted fake people was so mind boggling to me, because I consider myself to be an open book. The truth is, I am probably one of the most guarded people you will ever meet. I don't talk about a lot or really share whats going on with too many people. The few people I do talk don't really know everything. I always feel like my problems are just a burden, and I hate for people to know how much I don't have it all together. I'm not a very happy person, despite always being goofy,making jokes, and trying to find positives in the negatives for others. The fact is I am a very serious and thoughtful person, who struggles to do things that seem to be so easy for others. People tell me that I make things look easy and am just so likable, but the truth is I work for hours to be competent and dumb myself down to be able to socialize with my peers. Despite being friendly to everyone and willing to hang out, the truth is i was, and still sometimes am, a fake person. I just don't think I could ever really be myself to everyone. What has helped is the fact that I have found a handful of genuine people that I can be myself around. They keep me sane. They really help to balance me out. For that I am thankful, though I still have to get used to being open with even them.
The idea of insecurity seems almost silly to talk about and I could tell my friends that I'm insecure and they would tell me I'm being dramatic but it is true. Part of it is due to allowing other's insecurities to become my own. I have been in relationships where I my counterpart has flat out told me they were jealous of me. Yes, me! I will never understand that because at those times I was broke and alone. The only thing I had going for me was the fact that I would not give up on my goals and had some good luck come my way occasionally. Because of that, I have had a friend sabotage another one of my friendships and as soon as I messed up, she made it her purpose to spread that word to others of how badly I messed up. It has really damaged some friendships but the people who don't like me now, were just looking for a reason to not like me and those who do like me, tend to be the people who are real. Despite some of the embarrassment I suffered, it saved me from wasting my time getting to know people who weren't going to be around in the long run.
In my romantic relationships, I have seen my insecurities as I have settled. Don't get me wrong, they all seemed nice and could act very sweet, but as I got to know them, they were very unhappy and selfish people. Everything was great when it was all about them, but the second I needed them, the relationship was too much and they needed someone else to make them happy. I would be completely lying if I did not say I was destroyed every time these boys made this realization. Especially as I had ignored every sign that we should not be together, and poured everything I could into them to make the relationship work. As I gave more and more, and they took more and more, I really did begin to lose pieces of myself in them. Those pieces of hope I had for them, turned in to despair for myself. My happiness often turned to sadness, and my peace of mind was given to them and I was left with uneasiness. Their problems and insecurities became mine, and then they left without warning or notice, but always made the problem to be with me. I have since then learned that the real issue was within themselves, but the side effects of being wrongfully connected to someone are as bad as if I had done the wrong.
But long before I had ever met any of these people, the problem was inside of me. Insecurity. I worked hard to do well in sports, music, and academics because I thought those things would make people like me, but it only made them competitive with me. Even though I was happy for others success, they always celebrated anything that I did that was less than successful. I had to learn to be my own cheerleader and team. Things are just easier that way.
My appearance has always been a very difficult part of me to deal with. I have never felt beautiful or pretty a day in my life, and literally laugh if someone was to describe me that way. The way I dress, sneakers and sweats, often shows how I feel about myself. I try to cover up as much as possible and typically will go for what is more comfortable than something "sexy."I have never been comfortable with my appearance as I was often mistaken as a boy when I was younger, and never really got much attention from boys. Between being described as "the one with gap" and the "tall one," by most guys, it was easier to see guys as friends and never really worry about my appearance. I never even wore much more than jeans and a t shirt until 10th grade. I didn't actually put together real outfits until college. I mean towards the very end of my 6 year stint in undergrad. When most girls got interested in make up and fashion, the thoughts that literally went through my head were "it won't make me look any better, why bother?" The sad part is I literally still think that every time I attempt to go dress shopping or to buy some eyeliner or lipstick. Being told by your boyfriends that they want to date a "woman not one of their homeboys" does not make it any easier. No matter what I've done to cope, things just are hard to get over. I was heavy and lost 60lbs, I still had body image issues. Then the scars from basketball and my car wreck have left me so insecure I struggles to not wear Lon pants and jackets year round. Learning to love myself flaws and all will be the challenge of a lifetime.
At the end of the day, I could come up with many situations and examples that have led to the way that I am and how I feel about myself, but the fact is I will only feel that way as long as I hold onto the feelings associated with them. Letting go is so hard to sometimes, but I have realized that I have been like a caged bird for so long, and even now the that cage has been opened and I can come and go as I please, I sometimes still sit back, imprisoned by the thoughts in my mind. I have been struggling a lot lately with letting go, but it is long overdue.
Simone reading your Blog has made me see si much of myself in you! You have opened my eyes. One thing you must realize is that you are so beautiful inside and out. I'm not saying this because you're my niece, but because it is do true. It took me many years to realize that I was attractive. We are God's children and he makes no mistakes. As for guys... they come and go. You must not worry about them, but love yourself fist. You don't want those who don't love you in you life anyways.
ReplyDeleteI love you Simone. Keep writing.
Thank you so much! I have been writing as a type of therapy just to get my thoughts out in the open and really didn't think anyone would read. I only publish it hopes that others would feel the same way might find it and know that they are not alone. The blog is really an outlet for all of the things that I don't get express on a daily basis, in an attempt to maybe bring some order to the chaos in my brain. Thank you for you feedback!
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